Should A Lady Ask A Man To Dance?

I have debated with ladies from different cities in the Chicago-style steppin’ community and on Facebook, the topic of whether a woman should ask men to dance. Our conversations often land on three common rebuttals. First, a lady should not ask a man to dance because etiquette is for the man to ask the lady.  Anything else can appear desperate and unladylike. Second, when a man is with his wife or significant other at a set, it is awkward and uncomfortable to choose the right words and approach to ask him. Third, some women are afraid of the gentleman turning her down and saying no.

I ask men to dance all the time. When I go dancing at a weekend event or even at a small set or social, I am going to put in the work to get my money’s worth and work the room. I take no shame in it. On the first two rebuttals, I think with maturity and a respectful approach, you can ask for a dance and get a dance without offending anyone or being less than a lady. On the third, I am not afraid to share that in my five years as a stepper, men have told me “no” more than a few times and when I get that answer I don’t forget it. His name gets mentally logged on my “Do Not Ever Ask Him To Dance” list and I move on. Today, I have five names on that list. I can’t give those steppers much more significance than being on the list so I won’t share the names. To be clear, men don’t make that list by just telling me no, but being impolite about it.

Gentlemen that Give Me Life

On the flip side, I want to recognize and tell you more about the other men on my favorite list, the “Top 25 Gentlemen that Give Me Life.” These are gentlemen steppers that at some point in my journey were a part of at least one of my best moments on the dance floor. I even had one name move from Do Not Ask to Give Me Life when he asked me to dance about three years later. I have danced with many men but these top twenty-five gentlemen made a lasting impression because they did all of the following when we danced:

1. He did not follow the silly two song maximum rule that I laugh at every time I think about it
2. Neither did he dance down, or if he did I couldn’t tell it. He pushed me to do something different and at the end I was thinking,”I just did that.” He dances big, travels and does not just give me moves.
3. Every one of these men may not have started out with a smile but at some point in our dance he smiled or laughed and that let me know he was enjoying our dance.

I have to recognize these gentlemen, especially by name. In some cases, I can remember the song we were dancing to and when the DJ plays that tune I think of our dance. Thank you for these fun moments and happy memories.

The Lesson

If I never asked men to dance I don’t know where I would be in my dance now, and I think I would spend many weekends sitting at a table just waiting to be asked.  That is no fun for me. My main takeaway for you is …. For every five men that have answered “no” impolitely when I ask them to dance, I can think of at least another 25 that say yes or ask me and give me the time of my life on the dance floor.  I want to dance with them song after song after song and those are the real moments I don’t want to forget. I will continue to take my chances. “Let’s dance!” If you feel up to it and bold, ladies don’t hesitate to ask a man to dance.