Sometimes, in the comfort of the steppers set, it’s easy to forget that the world outside doesn’t move by the same rhythm as we do. Out there, the expectations, courtesies, and unspoken rules that shape Chicago Stepping culture aren’t always known—or honored. But these traditions are part of what makes the dance special. They reflect the respect, intention, and connection at the heart of Chicago Stepping. Passing them on keeps the culture strong, welcoming, and unmistakably ours. So let’s share it. What are the time-honored ways a gentleman asks a lady to dance in the Steppers’ world?
When a young man asked, “What is the right way to ask a woman to dance at a stepper set?” the answer seemed quite simple and obvious. Just ask. However, as a newer stepper just starting to travel to other cities and Chicago, this simple act seems daunting in a crowded room of people he doesn’t know. But, he just wants a chance to dance and get better. Men who step tell me that they hear, “When you start to travel and especially when you go to Chicago, expect the women to tell you no when you ask them to dance. Don’t expect to dance a lot.” Here is some advice, a peek at tradition, and encouragement from the village for the men.
Watch what is going on on the steppers set
The key to good times and enjoying yourself on the set starts before approaching any woman to dance. Observe. Watch the room to see what is going on. Who is enjoying the dance and having fun? Which women have been sitting for a while and not dancing much? Ladies seated at second and third-row tables away from the dance floor and at the back of the room are sometimes just waiting for a dance. If a woman is with her significant other, prepare yourself to acknowledge him out of respect. Ask him if you want to ask his lady to dance. If you aren’t sure if she is there with someone, ask her.
Yes, most men are visual, but for your dance’s sake, don’t prejudge a lady by how she looks, dresses, or size if you just want a good dance. What you should look and listen for is when, occasionally, a great song comes on, and someone exclaims, “That’s my jam!” Look out for that woman. She wants to dance. Some women are out to dance, dance, dance. You can tell she is there to dance and stay on the dancefloor. If she’s already danced with three different people within thirty minutes, that’s a clue. Then, sometimes you can pick out the women who only dance with certain people. She may move around the room and approach and ask only the men she wants to dance with.
People are watching you too
Self-awareness is essential in life, and it is no different on the stepper’s social dance scene. Exude confidence because people can tell if you’re nervous. Look good, feel good, and smell good. Just as you are observing the set, others are watching you. Don’t sit around alone looking crazy. Dress well and feel good about yourself. Some of what women shared as don’ts about a man’s dance approach were related to a lack of self-awareness.
- Don’t ask me when your hands are sweaty or cold and clammy
- Don’t ask me when you are hot and sweaty. A carousel should not swap sweat.
- Check your breath and body odor. Bad breath and foul body odor are a turn-off. Don’t be drunk. Women don’t want to smell alcohol on a man’s breath.
- Some women are visual and judge and size you up before you even speak. “Can you believe it? Just look at his shoes.”
- Pick the right time and the right song
Choose a good song – not a fast song – especially if you don’t know her at all. Let it be a song you know. Women want a smooth, easy dance when they dress up in nice clothes, make-up, and high heels. Simple basic turns, staying in your lane, and protecting your partner on the dance floor go a long way for her to enjoy your dance. Turning and spinning her eighteen times per minute is not impressive. Both of you want to feel comfortable and have a good time.
Do not interrupt her conversation without even an apology. That can be nerve-racking. If you have been watching and she just finished dancing to four songs in a row, wait for her to relax and rest. Ask someone else. From just watching, you can be aware and conscious of someone’s feelings. Sometimes people at the set are dancing to forget about a bad day, so you never know someone’s mindset. In your first dance, aim for two dances, but dance for just one song if you sense she is uncomfortable.
Asking the woman to dance
When asking her to dance, be polite and confident, and keep it simple. Don’t be aggressive or ask with arrogance as if she is going to say yes. Present your hand, smile, and look her in the eye. If you know her name, address her by name and ask, “Sheila, may I have this dance?” If you don’t know her name, just ask, “Do you want to dance?” or “Hey, Ms. Lady, do you want to dance?” Approach a woman respectfully and let her know that these 3-4 minutes are a privilege of “her” time and company. Sometimes, men say too much, so I must mention:
- Don’t say, “I know I am not a heavy-hitter, but can I have this dance.” You don’t need to tell any stepper how well you can or can’t dance. We already know.
- Don’t ask, “Can you step? You wanna step?” Steppers don’t say that.
If she says no when you ask her to dance
It is true. Some women will turn you down and try to hurt your feelings. If a woman says no, “Bow out gracefully and move on.”
“You mean to tell me, I walked all the way over here to ask you to dance, and you’re telling me no.” – Some silly stepper somewhere dancing by himself now.
There is never a reason to argue with her if a woman tells you no. Don’t take it personally – initially. There may be several reasons she says no. She doesn’t know you. She may be tired or hot, or her feet may be hurting. Standing and arguing with her might blow your chance to dance with her during this lifetime. Now she doesn’t want to dance with you at all – ever.
Women pointed out some bad habits that we hope do not become traditions
- Never beat a woman to the dance floor. Men should escort the lady to the dance floor and protect her from the elbows and other people for the time she is on the dance floor. She should never be on the dance floor waiting on you.
- Do not signal a dance request by hollering from the dance floor or pointing at her to meet you there.
- Stay polite even when women know you. Don’t pull or grab a woman to ask her to dance without even asking.
Remember, we are ladies and gentlemen. A stepper will always be new on the set until you’re known on the set, so be patient. Women often outnumber the men at the set, especially at weekend events. Women are waiting and happy to be asked to dance. If you hear no, move on and ask someone else. Be confident and enjoy yourself and the music!
Acknowledgments for contributing to this article: Andre Blackwell, Andre Johnson, Atifah Mohammad, Charnice Simmons, Donna Peek, Eric Gordon, Jeff Clarke, Leisha Thornton, Mike Bennett, Qiana Wilson, Ronnie Burnett, Sheila Watkins, and Tony Adway