Breaking the Silence. I am Back.

In the last three months, from my point of view, the energy in the steppin’ community has shifted. Some of the social conversations have been unkind and overtly negative.  I don’t believe any opinions expressed were very different from what’s been said all along for years, but the voices have intensified especially on Facebook. A lot of people had strong opinions about many things. I have written ten posts for LT8C, unpublished because everything I wrote had a passive aggressive posture to put a positive spin on a response to something I heard and didn’t like.  So in two months almost, I fell silent in writing to my LT8C readers. I genuinely feel those unpublished posts need to be out there but are contradictory to what I set out to do. From the start, my focus with livingthe8count was to be unequivocally about the dance not about me. Now I know, to be authentic with readers whether on or off the dance floor, I cannot separate myself from my art. Today is a new beginning.

In the last two months, some people’s behaviors towards me have changed and I wondered, “What did I do wrong?” Some steppers that in the past have coached and encouraged me in this journey, avoid eye contact with me or speaking to me. “Was it something I said?” At times, I want to check my Facebook activity log for every comment I made and reread every blog post to see where someone may have taken offense. It is in these moments that I appreciate anyone that disagreed with something I wrote and commented publicly or picked up the phone and called me. I remind myself I cannot be bothered by what I don’t have control of – other people’s opinions or words.

People have candidly expressed they are not happy with or warned me about the people I affiliate with or take advice from in the steppin’ community. With everyone I meet, I know what to take and what to leave behind. I relish meeting interesting people from all walks of life and have had no regrets about any of the relationships I have started or ended. I easily part ways or keep at a distance the people that I question whether their intentions are inveiglement or encouragement.  The delightful folks are the steppers that have made me smile because they expressed that they miss my writing and want to hear more. Each of you pulled at a heart string when you approached me about the blog. Thank you. You are one of the primary reasons for me writing today. I am especially thankful to the people in the steppin’ community who didn’t know me well but made sure I enjoyed my time wherever I was especially since I made a conscious effort this year to go to new cities I had never been before – Westside Mike, Mycah Clemons, Jamil Fatmir Bey, Andre Blackwell, Leisha Thornton-Rutledge, and Michael Bennett.

Most importantly, on the dance floor, I spent a lot of time crippling myself, thinking about the opinions of instructors whose workshops and privates I attended. Every time I danced with an instructor I hoped they saw in my dance what they poured into me. I became self-conscious and nervous looking for a grade on the dance floor. The longer I have been dancing the more pressure I felt because damn it others think I should be great by now with all the time and money I have invested. Freeing my mind about other people’s opinions is the only way for me to make the progress I want in my dance at this stage. I cannot count how many times I hear instructors say “Take what I have shown you and make it your own.” Now I dance for me.

Someone asked me last year, “Do you think you spend at least $5,000 a year on steppin’?” I responded possibly but I know that the honest response was “Easily.” It was the first time I ever took stock of how much I invested in this dance overall. Now I look at the $$$. No one has helped me to pay for any of this, so I have no one to answer to in this community but me.

It is the time to step for me. I am still writing and if it is just a nugget that helps another stepper, I am glad to share what I love to do.